The Real Ten Commandments

So I was watching some cool theological documentaries when someone drew my attention to one of my favorite bible facts.

So we all know the story of Moses up on the mountain getting the commandments from god. Some might know that Moses originally came down with a metric bitchload of commandments, before he saw his people worshiping anything and everything and chucked a tantrum and broke them all. Then he went back up the mountain, got the ten commandments, and then those are the ones we all know and love.

Except they're not.

The "Ten Commandments" are actually the first ten commandments on the original tablets, the destroyed ones. The real ones aren't talked about. And it's kinda funny, because the actual ten commandments are written down and listed in Exodus 34.

No seriously. Go have a look. Starts at Exodus 34:10.

So without further or do, I present the real Ten Commandments, as authored by god in the tale of moses, and annotated by meeeeee:

You shall not worship any other god but me.
Make no treaty with those that you conquer. (Yeah, god's pretty sure you'll worship their gods, so he literally commands the people in the commandments to exterminate the conquered)
Make no idols.
Celebrate the festival of Unleavened Bread. (IE, passover)
The first offspring of every womb belongs to me (this includes humans initially, but Jesus' sacrifice apparently fixes this)
Do not work on the Sabbath. (Like, ever. Period.)
Your men shall observe three festivals every year (god threatens to leave his people if they don't do this. It explicitly says men. Women are not required.)
Don't offer the blood of a sacrifice on anything with yeast in it, and do not let any of the Passover sacrifice remain until morning (god is a picky eater, and he likes his blood on wraps)
Bring the first produce of your farms to me. (Cause god wants to sample yo goods)
Do not cook a young goat in it's mother's milk. (god tried that once. It did not go well. Just... don't do it)